c/w: Eating disorders. If you are in the middle of healing, this may be hard to read. But, I hope to give hope that it will get better.
In the winter of 2015, I stood in front of my mirror and traced the outline of my ribs, which were clearly sticking through my skin. I thought to myself that that was so unattractive; that I should have more meat on my bones. And then I looked down at my stomach, which, to me at the time, looked swollen and lumpy. There was still work to be done. Flash forward to the summer of 2019, where I can feel a little cushion around my ribs and still struggle with loving my stomach but am so much happier with it. I like my body the way it is now; in a way I never did when I was at my worst with my eating disorder. And that's because I got through those first few pounds.
Now, before I go too much further, I need to add that this may not be true for everyone who has struggled from disordered eating. That's the beauty of this beast: it's different for each of us. But, this is my experience and, from what I can tell, a common one.
When you finally get the help you need--be it through a partner who is willing to support you and force you to eat or a center for eating disorders--it feels like you're handing over the one thing you have control over. It feels like your whole life is somehow going to slip from your fingers. But, in reality, you are taking the control away from your monster and putting it back in your hands. The monster will fight back, though. Which is why the first ten pounds are the hardest. Every glance in the mirror, the monster will sneak in and say "everyone can tell you're gaining weight" or "look at you, you're losing control." The trick is ignoring this voice. Saying, "fuck you, I want to get better." When your chest fills in more, the monster will yell that your back hurts so you should lose weight, regardless of how you feel. When your thighs touch, the monster will scream that you'll wear holes in your jeans too fast. When you notice the first sign of fat reforming on your stomach, the monster will say you can't wear certain things and to hide away.
But here's the reality, as a human with a female-sexed body, your body is meant to have fat on it. Some people can't gain weight for health reasons, and that is a struggle for them. Tons of health issues are associated with being underweight too. I don't want to thin-shame. I want to make folks with disordered eating habits understand that if your health is your main concern, you're doing yourself a disservice. Without stomach fat, you are likely to experience missed or infrequent periods because your body is no longer able to care for a fetus, should you get pregnant. I don't care if you want kids. You should understand that that is not a normal or healthy reaction for your body to have. If it is for health reasons (of which many cause missed periods) or medication, just keep in contact with your OB, and you're good. If it's because you aren't eating, get help so you can go back to a healthy cycle. Your thighs might touch. SO WHAT? More thigh to smoosh around someone's head (I'm willing to admit I'm a sexual being and my thick thighs may save lives, but they could for sure end one). Boobs are a struggle for me. I'm confused by gender and my chest makes my sex really obvious to people, which makes me uncomfy at best. But, I understand that they are capable of PROVIDING FOOD (how friggin' dope is that?). Some people think they are fun. Hell, I like playing with my own sometimes. I love playing with other people's... so like, let those babies do whatever they are gunna do when you gain weight.
So this post doesn't end up just outlining the bad and hard stuff, here are my tips on how to get through those first ten pounds:
- Buy clothes that can grow with you. Jeans can fuck off until your weight levels out. I wore nothing but LuLa Roe during my recovery. Was it my style? Not really. Is it a cult? Yup. Did I adore the woman I bought them from and did she give me a body-positive community to heal? ABSOLUTELY. If LuLa ain't your thing; try any kind of flowy style with lots of leggings. You won't notice the weight as much when you can't feel your clothes getting tighter.
- Get rid of as many of your "skinny" clothes as you can. This will make you less tempted to do the "one day I'll fit in this again." No. You won't. And if you do, it will likely be because you're back to unhealthy, dangerous habits.
- Get off of social media for a while. I ignored Instagram for a few months, only used Facebook as a way to contact people I love, and only consumed body-positive or super not looks-based content on YouTube. This way, I wouldn't get caught in the comparison loop I was so frequently falling in to. This made a HUGE difference in my healing process.
- Cut out the toxic people. Anyone who has ever commented on your weight in a negative way. Anyone who talks about dieting or weight in general. Get those people out of your lives. If you can't completely cut them out, avoid those conversations. If you can, be honest with them and tell them you are healing from unhealthy habits and you need to not talk about weight, diets, or looks. If you can't have that level of honesty, take some time away from them and focus on yourself.
- This may sound counter-productive but, spend as much time as possible naked. It will be triggering, I can guarantee it. Here's the thing: sometimes you need to have moments of discomfort in order to love yourself again. Spend time naked, but avoid mirrors. Masturbate butt naked so you can remember that your body is capable of bringing you joy, no matter what it looks like. Hang out and read a book (ideally empowering) naked with a cup of tea and a snack. If you have a partner, hang out naked with them, because they'll be better at reminding you of how sexy you look than you are. Sleep naked if you can. Love that body up as much as possible. It may feel impossible, but it will get easier the more time you spend naked.
- This one is easy. Throw away your scale. Don't hide it or put it away. THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE, TAKE THAT GARBAGE OUT, & NEVER LOOK BACK!
Once you get past those first few pounds, it will be easier to like your new body. The journey is never perfectly easy, but once it sets in that you're gaining weight for yourself and because you want to, you will be able to take the power back. Take the control from your monster and put it back in your own hands. Tell that little voice to burn in hell and just make yourself the focus. Find other coping mechanisms. Work with a therapist if you can afford it. If not, find a community that can help you heal. People who will keep you accountable and feel loved. Tell your partner you need help remembering to eat.
You can do this. If nothing else, know that I believe in you!
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