WHAT SIZE AM I, THOUGH?

#midsize #fashion #style #oldnavy #oldnavystyle #beautybeyondsize #stylehasnosize #sizediversity

Weight gain is normal at any point in life, but especially if you're like me and are in your early/mid twenties and are recovering from an eating disorder. As the pounds add on, shopping is difficult because you don't know how long these things will fit. Once you start to level out and find your natural weight, shopping becomes hard because you aren't what you used to be and you maybe have to come to terms with never being that size again. I'm never going to be between 115 and 125 again--that's not how my body is supposed to work (nothing wrong with it if your body is supposed to work at that weight, we are all different!)--and I need to learn to dress the new, healthy one I have.

So, today, I went to Old Navy, one of my go-to jeans shops, and tried on all the sizes. Okay, not all of them, but the ones I probably fell within. And here are my findings:

-I am a size 10/12/14, M/L

-Curvy sizes fit larger, some I probably could even do an 8

-Skinnies are a crap-shoot and you just have to try them on

-Boyfriend jeans fit stupid small. I've never needed a 14 in my life and yet here I was, wanting boyfriend jeans and realizing I'd have to go back out and get a 14 to avoid any and all lumps, bumps, and camel-toe. They still didn't look amazing so I just moved on.

You might be thinking, jeans shopping is my personal hell or how did you go through that without shedding a single tear or how do you have the patience for all those sizes? Well, that's what I'm here to talk about today. How I shop with self-love, patience, and a mid-size body.

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Step One

Grab three sizes; the one you usually are, one below, and one above. This way, you don't have to go back and forth a million times and lose all hope when something doesn't fit. Of course, women's clothing being what they are, you might have to go back out and grab a size up or down, but at least you had a good, robust starting place.

Step Two

If you are having a shitty body-image day but really have to go shopping because you ripped your favorite jeans or have an event coming up, start with the top size you grabbed and forget about the number. If the first pair you put on fit, awesome! You don't feel shitty because the usual doesn't fit, and you're already done! If it's too big, cool, you get to go down a size and feel better about your body!

Size doesn't matter, but sometimes it's really hard to believe that when you just cleaned out dozens of items from your closet that don't fit. Or, when you put on weight due to illness or stress. The stress all comes flooding back sometimes when you look at that stupid little number. I get it. The first time I went jeans shopping since my weight evened out, I sobbed alone in the dressing room remembering when I was a 4/6 and not fitting in to every size 8 I grabbed and having to move up to a 10. It was horrible. Now, I look back at that moment and feel so sorry that I thought my worth was around that number. My worth is around my heart and the way I am compassionate and loving to everyone I meet. My worth is in my creative mind and my warm hugs. My worth does not lie in being a single-digit pant size.

Step Three

Deep breathes. Shopping had always been my meditation growing up. I loved finding clothes that made me feel confident and would get me compliments. Treat this like it's a guided meditation. Remind yourself when you can't get the buttons done of the wonderful things you do in your life. Remind yourself of the kids your body brought in to this world if that's when you gained weight. Remind yourself of your perseverance through grief or recovery if that's when you gained weight. Love up on yourself a little bit!

Step Four

Learn to laugh at it all. Laugh at the clothes and the standards stores try to create. Giggle at the stuffed-sausage look instead of crying about it.

That's some nice footage of me trying on an 8 (my usual dress size) and being unable to button them up. Triggering? Slightly. But also kind of funny. Learn to laugh at the clothes and how stupidly small the pockets are or how they give you muffin top before you even button. Laugh at the way the designer didn't account for your body shape, type, and size. Show your body compassion when you can. Love your stomach even if it doesn't sit nicely inside the clothes. It's the clothes fault, not your body's!

My biggest insecurity right now, as weird as it sounds, is my crotch. I didn't know you could gain weight there! NO ONE WARNED ME ABOUT THIS!!! So, I get camel-toe crazy easily. But, I've learned to laugh about it. It looks goofy and it's not something I'm striving to achieve every day. But, it's a goofy thing that happens when the clothes aren't right for me. So, I laugh at how they made pants with no crotch room and move on with my life. No sense crying over weird pants.

Step Five

Celebrate when you do feel good. Do a little dance or give an awkward thumbs up. Do some lunges or clap! It's a victory to find something that makes you feel comfortable and sexy.

I never say this. I hate sports. I need you to understand that before I say this:

Take a note from athletes who never quit, even after a hard loss. Those jeans weren't your game. But these jeans, dance after scoring those points and rub it in the face of the jeans you couldn't button earlier. Because these jeans, baby they were meant for you.

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I hope seeing my stomach look less than perfect and my awkward camera skills can help you realize that I really do take my own advice. Shopping can hurt when you are adjusting to a body you don't see in catalogs, on TV, or on runways very often. As a mid-size human, I have to realize not every store will even offer my size. That a size 8 one place is the next place's size 14 (I'm still afraid of pants shopping at H&M since my last experience where I did my usual grab three sizes and none of them even went over my hips). It's hard when you think you've got it all figured out and then you try something on that makes you feel like you are back to square one.

Try to take my advice and laugh it off rather than cry. Crying is cathartic and healthy and do it if you need to, but laughing feels even better. I mean it when I say that if there is something wrong with anything, it's the clothes and not your body. I can pretty much guarantee someone out there thinks you're a cutie even if you don't. I can also pretty much guarantee there is a pair of pants out there that won't make you hate yourself. Get up, brush yourself off, and keep shopping!